Loveletter

My dear, when I saw you standing the other day you did not look happy at all. I was shocked to see how small and puny you had become. You seemed not to enjoy your life at all, am I right? It was as if you had given up all hope that life had something in it for you after you suddenly lost your job. I have to admit, getting fired seems to be a rather nasty experience. All of a sudden you found yourself home alone, and that after all those years of dedicated work. Luckily you still seem to be able to pay the mortgage and find the money to shop at the Walmart so for that matter, I have seen much worse things happening around me.

And yet you seem to have lost yourself and even your voice was choked. And you know how I work; if you drop out, I will start to work even harder. That means that by now I've taken over your life by making quite a lot of noise and making sure that everyone out there will all feel quite sorry for you. Yes , I am doing this for you hey, not for myself, you know that right, do you? This has been working so well that you have received a lot of attention from everyone around you. Didn’t they howl with you each time you wept? Often, they said exactly what you wanted to hear!

But by all these useless social-glue conversations, these collusions, I start missing you more and more. You are indeed the greatest out here and compared to you, I look plain and pale. Naturally, this whole theme works around you. It’s not about pity, no, it’s about who you are. That soul, that awareness, right deep inside. I'm only the outer surface that I make sure to polish everyday until it shines bright. I take good care of this so called ‘me’ and make sure to strengthen my defense wall. I can walk with my head up high, even though I know very well that I, under the surface, feel like an empty barrel realizing that I don’t know how to make it without you. It occurred to me quite frankly, that the way you sheltered into invisibility worked pretty well for me. I have had a wonderful time being given the opportunity of you got fired, to continuously apply all my tricks and plays.

For if not, I would have disappeared much earlier from the scene. That would have been rather a pity, because I have taken you in protection for so long for a very good reason. Actually, it looked like I seem to get everything under control again. Pretty good right? Yes, you haven’t decided just like that to pick me, back in the days when you were just a little one. Your dismissal from your job is nothing compared to what you have been going through in your childhood; of course I understand. And without my help, you wouldn’t even have survived these days either. All right. And now all of a sudden I feel that I don’t play a part in your life anymore and to be honest, that hurts like hell.

But that is the truth, I cannot deny it anymore. Now I see you've found help in other places, now you went to that choose-again-thing *) and with your expressed courage, I must confess that I feel my strength decreasing rapidly. And all of a sudden you seem to be getting stronger. I've never seen you laughing and crying so much as in the past several days. And I notice all new words coming from your mouth, like forgiveness and innocence, I even heard you speak about Love! I can’t believe what I am hearing. I realize these words make me very timid and vulnerable. I really can’t stand seeing you this busy and active, and at the same time, I realize my presence becomes less required. I'm starting to melt away a little, yes ... through the heat you radiate and by the love I feel growing inside you.

I actually always forget to say I love you, and I think you're great. So this seems to become a love letter. A love letter and a farewell letter in one. Because the moment you were born, I thought of you as a beloved wonderful miracle, so sweet and small when you had your own voice and your wonderful individuality. And now I’m seeing that person again now that you're quenching my voice. I hope you are content with the idea that I have been protecting you for so long and have been able to guide you for such a long time on your journey here on earth. All my efforts haven’t been in vain, right?

You know, if we agree that you now have a say in the way you deal with things, and if you promise me that you seek my help the moment you need me, I’ll make sure to let you go now. I have great confidence in you, and I know you're heading towards a wonderful life with all that love growing inside of you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I will always love you. Can you promise me to let me know every now and then about how your life is going? I’ m gonna say far well for now, however you can always find me in cases of emergency. But I see now that my time has come. Soon, I will not be able to write any further, because I will be completely melted down. I want you to enjoy your life, be happy, that you feel the peace in yourself and to promise me to never forget that you are a miracle. A child of God, made of love, just like you were the moment you came on to this earth.

Goodbye my beloved miracle,

Your loving Ego